Goodbye, Kim Kardashian

This is a picture of Kim Kardashain with somebody who is not me.

Kim Kardashian and I have finally broken up.

It probably won’t make the tabloids. We’re keeping it quiet. But it’s OVER!

If you don’t know Kim, she is a lovely, self-described “Armenian Princess,” self-help diva, and reality TV star.

When I first started on Twitter, I had no idea what I was doing, so I followed the first person Twitter suggested: Kim Kardashian. I had never heard of her, which was part of the adventure.

Soon, I entered her world of fashion, Hollywood glamour, and famous friends, 140 characters at a time. I was smitten, enthralled, and I hung on her every word! Things moved quickly, and I guess you could say we were an item.

But then it all started to go wrong. The relationship seemed one-sided, especially since she never followed me back. Call me crazy, but Kim — come on! If we’re going to make this work, shouldn’t you at least let me have a say in the relationship once in a while???

If that weren’t bad enough, her whining began. It took SO LONG to get her nails done. Her work-outs were SO TOUGH. Her new dress DID NOT SPARKLE enough. I could hardly stand the incessant “me, me, me.” It was always all about HER. Of course it was. She never followed me back.

Then, the final straw. She started tweeting about her (GASP) “boyfriend.” Kim, what did I do to deserve this? You were … my first. My Little Twitter Queen, my lean, mean Armenian machine. I followed, and followed and followed. For what? To be dumped for a rich, handsome actor half my age? Well, those are good points. Still, I have my pride.

I un-followed Kim today . She probably didn’t even notice as she gets ready for another fabulous day sunning her abs in Malibu. Still, I will always remember you Kimmy — my first, my only, my sweet Twitter-pie.

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  • Mark Ruvelson

    Hi Mark, very funny! It's her loss and I'm glad to hear you're moving on.

    Mark Ruvelson

  • Michael Torano

    Sorry to hear about the break-up. I hope you'll be alright and can keep it together. She's not good enough for you anyway…I hear Britney's willing to follow back and then there's the hot porn-star types who ALWAYS follow more than they are followed (as long as you're willing to put up with their incessant spamming about free laptops and such)…see?…Always a bright side!



    Boys, thanks for being there for me.

    Michael, do you still have Britney's number? I know she did the whole head-shave gig after you broke up with her, but I always thought she was cute in a dangerous kind of way.

  • Dean Holmes


    I understand your pain. I have been dumped on Twitter so many times, I dont know why I keep coming back. Very painful…

    Grand illusions of being able to actually have a conversation with these folks – never, tried that strategy early in my Twitter career…

    When my Posse decides to roll without me, then I will have to find another sandbox… You arent planning to leave me are you? (Deep Breath while I wait for your answer)

  • You tagged this as “humor,” and don’t get me wrong, it’s hilarious, but the takeaway is not a joke (and I think that was your intention). Brands can learn a lot from this post: people will only be fans for so long without getting anything out of the relationship. Well done, sir.

  • This is hilarious Mark – thanks for the laugh!

  • Rrodenborg

    Love it. Funny and pointed look at how not to have a Twitter relationship. Thank you!

  • If only breakups were as easy as “unfollow.” Great post Mark!

  • Thanks. Glad you enjoyed a laugh at my expense (sniff).

  • Kim’s missing out, bro. If you’re still bummed about this a year after you wrote it, let’s go get a drink. On me.

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