How to become a Google whore

google whore

I have always struggled to balance the time needed for SEO with the organic attention I might get through the social web. Through the encouragement of others, I’ve decided to pay more attention to SEO and aggressively populate my posts with key words to drive hoards of people to my website. This is my first attempt — let me know what you think <send me cash>.

One of the things I learned < brilliance personified > is that keywords should be near the top of your blog < son of zeus >.  This tempts the search engines < bing makes me tingly > to pump up your jams.

If blogs are going to be mere vessels for sales pitches < “mark schaefer + george clooney + einstein” >.   I can play that game as well as anybody .

I’ve tried to stay above the fray < I’m too sexy for my blog, too sexy for my blog > but you know, I’ve got a family to feed too < now accepting credit cards > so I’m all in now.  Prepare for battle Mr. Google <man I wish I had a real light saber that would be so cool > .

However dear reader < both of you > you’ll hardly notice a difference <megan fox please stop ignoring me >.  I’m committed to doing this in a classy and respectful manner that puts the focus on excellence and integrity .

This blog means something to me and I must find a way to be tasteful < mark schaefer + whipped cream + Bay Watch > intelligent and uplifting < like those new Victoria Secret bras. Damn how many things can you do to underwear?  I mean really. They are the Taco Bell of lingerie.>

So thanks for the encouragement < mom > and please keep the feedback coming < no send me money instead I really mean it >.

As always, thanks for caring and sharing < your ATM PIN numbers >.

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  • Genius.

  • I’m curious to see how many robot hits this particular post gets 😉 Keep us posted.

  • Carrie Bod

    A funny post from Mark Schaefer is just what the doctor ordered. Along with my narcotic cough syrup I’m now ready for the weekend.

  • Reading this post this AM had me laughing all the way through.

    Thank you for sharing your humorous side Mark 🙂

    {May I place a link to this post here http://YourStressMatters.com/ylm.htm}

  • What a great idea, Mark. Damn, I wish I had thought of that 😉

  • WOW! This post is {awesome}! Coincidentally, I just got approved for my Adsense account this morning. I’m glad to hear that you like Baywatch, and that you’ll let us send you money with {Eric Pratum’s Grizzard Corporate } credit card. This post is another example of your {stupendously amazing} brilliance, and why I enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for making me laugh this morning!
    Reza

  • “The TacoBell of Lingerie” -Wow. You should definitely coin that one.

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  • Hysterical!!! I have to tell you, one of my folks wrote a post about Victoria’s Secret marketing strategy and holy nutballs, we get TONS of traffic from that – some 7 months later. I guess I AM a Google ho.

    Mwah.

    Shelly
    @shellykramer
    http://v3im.com

  • Google loves comments (sorry for the shameless plug) so here is my way of helping you out!

    Have a great day Mark Schaefer

  • Funny thing, Mark, I put my own (google code) in my response above and it was included in the post. I’ll do it again here ( shelly kramer + lady gaga + brilliant marketing strategist + single ladies + put a ring on it + beyonce’s pregnant + v3im + marketing consulting ). There’s always a way to get around the rules. Always!

    Shells

  • LOVED it! Well done!

  • Brad Lovett

    (Justin Bieber is Brad Lovett’s illegitimate stepson)

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  • Bojan

    i laughed hard!! you are auch a google slut… eat my words..

  • Why don’t you just write about Chris Brogan? Oh, wait a minute… 😉

    Sterling stuff, sir, sending you my affiliate checks now!

  • This IS why we love you Mark. Great Friday comedy right there. As for Victorias Secret – you may be there next model 😉

  • Mark, this made my week. Priceless!!!!! Please update everyone with the hit count this generates!!! hopefull some will comment on their reaction..

  • Mark

    I am pleased to announce that my SEO experiment is reaping HUGE results:

    I am now being followed by one Victoria’s Secret model and 1,038 perverts. It’s all about the numbers baby. Hell yeah.

    I am number one on Google for the search term “George Clooney’s bra size.” Talk about targeted traffic! Hoo-hah!

    And best of all, I would like to announce my first affiliate sponsor, Miracle Whip. So whip it. Whip it good.

    Clearly, I should have made this move a long time ago.

  • Shane Mac

    A level of awesomeness that is above the rest!

  • Beyond awesome!!!!

  • How fun. And a great way to make a point. Thanks Mark.

  • You are now able to consider yourself an “Expert”. Just wondering what SEO Analysis was used to quant-o-fy the terms you selected. You certainly will own the niche.
    I may go for these out-of-the-norm-no-doubt-I-too-can-own-google seo terms.
    Love the strategy. I will start today.

  • :). Remember the social media strategy advice you received…’Be Ubiquitous’?. You sir, are now as ‘Ubiquitous’ as Victoria’s Secret, Whipped Cream, George Clooney and Lady gaga combined!
    Congrats!

  • I’m having a rough week. Danny Brown has made me speechless TWICE and you’ve made me speechless yet again. This never happens. So. Freaking. Awesome!

  • OMG I’m literally LOL right now. This is funny! I write PR, SEO, Articles and ghostwrite for a real estate firm and I try to tell them, too much of this is ludicrous. Thanks for making that point in such a funny way. And if I ever care to know George Clooney’s bra size, I’m TOTALLY coming to you first!

  • Wah! You forgot to mention Justin Bieber! Nice post. Yes, it’s true, if you want to get read these days, you have to keep Google in mind. But there are more ways to doing that than randomly assigning all the key words and phrases. Otherwise, random word salads would abound.

  • Lisa

    OK. I actually laughed out loud and spilled Diet Coke on my lap. Now if I could just find a way to work Heidi Montag into my eBook……

  • You have created a monster. The words “google whore” alone may outlive us all. I just wanted to chime in because long after you and I are both gone, someone somewhere will search that particular word combo and I’d like to be there. Immortality. Thanks for that Mark!

  • That’s weird, I googled Victoria Secret and somehow ended up here. Is there something I don’t know that’s going on here? A secret page?

  • HI-larious! Wish I had read it earlier so my Friday would have been more fun!

  • Mark

    You guys are cracking me up. Glad we can have some fun around here!

  • I can’t stop reading this post 😉 I find more laughs evertime I read it !! where can I send my ATM pin number? LOL

  • LOL- Google is probably going crazy right about now!

  • Dher I was…doin’good, bein’good, on the street cornah just a readin’ my bible wehn all of suden
    *GoogleHo*

    –I gotta tell you Mark, the pic makes the piece…NICE…I’m inspired (or aroused). YOU ARE AN INNOVATOR. A Ho like that needs NO pimp.

    Clever.

    Have you updated your LinkedIn summary yet to highlight this competency?

  • Brilliant! Geek humor is the best. This is hilarious!

  • _MikeCampbell

    Effin hilarious.

  • kkowal

    Hilarious! Yet, disturbingly relevant?!?!?

  • markwschaefer

    @Danny Brown Such a joker. : )

  • markwschaefer

    @Imei About an hour after I finished this I realized that I missed the Bieber angle. (leave it to Bieber)

  • markwschaefer

    @Billy Mitchell Just for fun, I googled “google whore” and I am showing up number four in the rankings. I am having one of those moments like the one in “The Jerk” when Steve Martin found his name in the phonebook for the first time and shouted “Hey, I’m SOMEBODY!” I’m on fire now. I need to OWN google whore. I’m sure this would attract some facinating backlinks.

  • markwschaefer

    @Kimberly Kinrade As a matter of fact I do know Clooney’s bra size. I keep abreast of these things.

  • I loved this post! It has all the earmarks of Subliminal Man from Saturday Night Live. Kevin Nealon should be proud. It is a bit troublesome that we have to play such games to be relevant. Oh, an about that underwear question? Just use your imagination, Mark. 🙂

  • Sally_G

    Oh gosh, where to begin? Let’s start at the top. You’re the one with the hat AND the glasses, right? And if so, have you included two samples because of your dual commitment to Classy and Respectful – or your split focus on Excellence and Integrity?

  • KarenBice

    Pretty cool, Mark! My internet has been down the last couple of days so when I saw you tweet this while on my Droid, I thought…naw, not enough time to read this blog that sounds kind of weird. 🙂 However, I fixed my internet problem today by myself. I just saw this post on LI and I thought I would give it a shot. So glad I did! This is really a great lesson using humor. I’m just glad you didn’t use the db word. 🙂

  • nicfletch

    That was without question one of the funniest posts Ive read in a while – touche Mark. I laughed out loud in my office. awkward but so worth it.

  • kale26

    This is such a great post! Sometimes humor really is the best way to shine a light on something so ridiculous. In this case, our obsession with SEO and worshiping at the alter of the almighty Google 🙂 Well said!

  • markwschaefer

    @LisbethTanz I loved that character. Got to see Nealon do stand up one time and he was brilliant!

  • Anshul__Gupta

    funny! 😀

  • FragrantLiar

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahha. I love that line, Victoria’s Secret is the Taco Bell of lingerie. High-sterical. And great post as well.

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  • Mark W. Schaefer, you humble me. Shamed am I, slacker who missed this post last month. No excuses, can’t even claim some horrible entertainment distractions or even business commitments. Thank you for teaching me how to optimize my website strategically so thank I can turn my blog into a profit making enterprise. FWIW.

  • Okay, that got weird with my attempts at clever code.. hmm.

  • ROTFL. Picks self up, dusts self off, shakes head, tsk tsks, mumbles so true so true, Wanders off into sunset ….

  • Ha! Thanks for the smile Cassie!

  • Larry

    “Hey, I’m SOMEBODY!” dancing in the parking lot – an unbeatable skit from the Master!

  • I can’t believe I missed this post back in Nov. HIGH-larious!

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