The ultimate guide to becoming a blogging superstar

superstar blogger

By Mars Dorian, Contributing {grow} Columnist

I am a self-proclaimed social media rockstar, without any credentials, so I feel more than qualified to present you with the Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Blogging Superstar.

Warning: The following blog post will help you gain instant money & fame. This is guaranteed, or your money back, which you didn’t pay, so there’s no conflict of interest here.

Step one.

Read anything by the following list of authors:

      1) Seth Godin – “Tribes”
      2) Seth Godin – “Purple Cow”
      3) Seth Godin – “Linchpin”
      4) Seth Godin – “We’re All Weird”
    5) Seth Godin – “The Icarus Deception”

Read, but don’t question anything. Remember, the word GOD is in Godin, so that must tell you something. Absorb his knowledge, then infuse it into your own writing. Then, pretend that it’s your own.

Step two.

Start blogging immediately. Blog about blogging better. Don’t worry if you have no real advice or insight. That’s optional. Be sure to include the following key words and phrases:

      “Do something remarkable”
      “Make art”
      “Be a purple cow”
      “Disrupt”
      “Build your tribe”
    “Be authentic”

Occasionally, infuse cool words like “synergy,” “integrated strategy,” and “mobile marketing” and you sound like you know what you’re talking about.

Bonus tip! The secret to effective content marketing is being vague.  My mother always says, “If you can’t convince, try at least to confuse.” That’s why instead of showing results and metrics, you should simply explain yourself with trendy terms:

“Profits? I’m too busy joining the conversation.”

“Just. Be. Amazing.”

“Failing is the true path to success.”

Also, use hashtags #constantly.  This proves you’re a #Guru. #Winning #BlogPorn

Don’t bother explaining how and why you do anything. If Seth Godin doesn’t give out formulas, neither should you.

Bonus tip! If you’re aiming at a B2B market, make people feel at home by using the same bureaucratic jargon they use. Here is an example of an ideal Mission Statement for a B2B Blog:

“We implement social media strategies such as on-site and off-site SEO tactics and sales conversion procedures that optimize our online platform reach and help you accumulate highly active online devotees.”

If the message is still too clear, simply add more jargon until it fits.

Bonus tip!  If you’re aiming for entrepreneurs and small business owners with your blog, create a “manifesto” instead of a mission statement. If your product sucks, try explaining that it is still a really good cause.

What does this all mean? I don’t know, but neither does anyone else, so you’re good to go.

Step 3.

Buy cool glasses. Glasses make the guru.

godin glasses

Step 4.

If you have written 2-3 blog posts, or you have been blogging for a week (whichever comes first) it is time to start thinking about monetization. Here are can’t miss ways to blog your way to #financial #freedom.

1) Create a PDF eBook. 

Even though PDF is an outdated format that doesn’t adjust to (mobile) screens, it’s still the perfect way for Superstar Bloggers to charge over-the-top sums. Price it between 37 – 97 dollars. It doesn’t matter as long as it ends with a 7. Why? Don’t question, just do it.

2) Add more stuff.
When your PDF guide sells at least three copies, you are now known as a “best-selling author” and are well-positioned to do consulting and a stint on the speaking circuit. Congratulations. In just two weeks, you have hit the level of EXPERT!

3) Members ahoy!

Once you’re an EXPERT, it’s time to expand your online business. Create a membership site and sell access for $97 (valued at $297).

Create a compelling sales page and ask the influencers in your field to give you amazing testimonials. In fact, just write the testimonial for them! They’ll never check out your product, but if they like you, they might give you a generic compliment like this: “She is amazing! Her guide is a true game changer which will change your business! I even intend to read this book at some point.”

4) Rinse and repeat.

Boom! You’re a blogging, social media rockstar!

I’ve covered a lot of ground here and you may still have some questions. I’ve got you covered:

Frequently asked questions

1) Don’t I need any credentials or at least expertise in my subject matter?
No, that’s the beauty of the blogging strategy. Unlike a doctor or lawyer, you neither need a degree nor do you need to know what you’re doing. For all I know, your dog could be a social media expert. But don’t tell him that, he might end up as your competitor!

2) I don’t have any experience, and I don’t want to lie. What should I do?
You worry too much. Here’s how to become an expert in a jiffy:

      Create a Facebook page for your mom. This is how it shows up in your bio: “I’m helping small business owners implement social media strategies.”

Ask your friend to buy one of your eBooks for a dollar. You can then claim that you’re making money online! You can even give the dollar BACK!

Help a friend with 1 Twitter follower reach 3. You can then say: Increased client’s Twitter fanbase by 300% !

Remember – don’t lie online! It’s all about being authentic.

3) Isn’t this really just about making money by teaching others how to make money online?

Isn’t life really about dying? Isn’t standing really just sitting on your feet?

Please. Ditch the philosophical questions and get your blog on. Those overpriced PDF guides don’t sell themselves, you know!

In conclusion, being a pro-blogging social media superstar seems daunting, but I just showed you that you too can be a guru.  And if you’re running out of topics, just read more Seth Godin. If you waver from the formula and accidently create something original, keep a copy of this blog post nearby for safe keeping so you can get back on track.

No need to thank me.

mars dorianMars Dorian describes himself as a creative marketeer with a moon-melting passion for human potential and technology. You can follow his adventures at www.marsdorian.com/

Original illustration by the author.

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  • Debra Yearwood

    Waaaay too funny. I laughed my way through this entire post. Thank you for giving a little lift to my morning. You really are a blogging rock star!

  • Kitty Kilian

    But Mars.. that is like saying: ‘If you want to start a shop, get yourself a counter and a cash register – and hey, haha, you are just copying everyone else now!’

    I know and you know everyone who wants to be seen as an expert is publishing books, and then giving them away for free for three days on Amazon (each month) to get a higher ranking etc etc.

    But it works.

    And hey, you yourself are posting on a blog with a high readership to grab our attention.

    I might be convinced if you yourself did something way more original!

  • That. Was. Hilarious. Loved it. Loved. It.

  • – Become a teacher in a social media or blogging certification program. Better: start one.
    – Use the words ultimate, definitive etc. often. This way the others have to use ultimaterlishly or something. Or, wait, ultimate, means there is nothing more.
    – Make a speaker page and ask your mom to film you when you’re talking about blogging. It doesn’t matter if there’s no one.
    – Hire someone to make lots of Slideshare presentations & infographics and do your PR if you suck at it.
    – Make lists of top whatever and make sure you mention folks you know will one day list you too.
    – Write a book, just take all your blog posts and get it on Amazon. Much better than those eBooks people put online. Perception means everything.

    – Once you have many many blog posts, a few videos and many Slideshare’s sell them as an online University. Membership is for losers.

    There are so many more. Gotta work now. PS: Seth Godin is a smart guy, he knows his stuff, always has.

  • Hey Kitty,
    heh, I’m pointing fingers even at myself here. I’m selling my own PDF eguide, and I have written a lot of stuff in the past that’s influenced by Seth Godin. I’m talking about how many so-called experts just rehash what the mavericks say (such as Seth), without backing it up with personal experience or real results.

  • Thanks Debra, I needed to get this off.
    After all, I was sort of like this a few years ago.

  • Shari

    Adherence to bureaucratic jargon sounds a lot like fluff. Audiences will see right through this tactic so where’s the connectivity bonus? The K.I.S.S. principle works best.

  • I need to include this the updated version – how to become an ultimate social media star version 2.0

    I think your examples are spot on and even more contemporary than mine !

  • Keith Laskey

    Dammit Mars that was a great read! Can you believe people (mostly non-bloggers) still don’t know about Seth Godin?!!!

    I’m not sure exactly what I’m taking away from this other than just chill out and write more posts. Oh, and continue to read GODin.

    Thanks.

  • No, I believed the whole world knew about GODin.

    Who are those heretics you are talking about ??

  • Then you also must have someone following you around whole day and make sure you say things they can record and make sense, preferably in an energetic way; make sure that all your posts get in sites such as Business2Community and SocialMediaToday so I can see them popping up at least 3 times in two weeks in my Zite reader and, the ultimate, make friends with real experts so their celebrity rubs off on you and one day you get that guest blog or – even better – get interviewed. That’s the day you can leave this earth with a smile.

  • Kitty Kilian

    Ah, OK, I did not get that.
    May be too subtle for me 😉

  • Keith Laskey

    My cousin, a marketing major fresh out of Penn State, asked me the other day if he wrote a book about Meatballs. It’s shocking.

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  • He did. I believe Seth wrote “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs” … but I could be wrong. One of the great marketing books of our time. : )

  • Wicked. : )

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  • When I’m traveling the world giving keynotes and signing books, I stay at a Holiday Inn Express. Guaranteed guru boost.

  • When I started reading this post, it sounded fairly serious… people should read Seth… but not parrot him. 😉

    Nice one Mars. Loved it.

  • Always happy to help out the young with some simple observations. Not judging about anything. Just sharing some stuff we all know so the coming superstars lose less time. Maybe I should start an Academy for Superstars. Think there’s money in that? You never know, certification included and all.

  • But Seth Godin was destined to be the king of kings. There’s not just the word GOD. There’s also:

    – Odin
    – Seth

    Look it up

  • You’re good, J-P 😉

  • Thanks !
    Yeah, too many (and that included me) got stuck in the Seth echo chamber.

  • Never did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.
    #guessimnotaguru

  • Hey, Mars.
    Like this was way cool.
    I totally got the feeling that I could became a blogging superstar just from reading this.
    I don’t read blogs much, just happened to see your rad drawing on the laptop next to me and thought it was a comic site.

    So I’m gonna go back home and tell my Mom that I do have a job.
    I’m a blogger!

    So this Godin guy, he a hipster dude who writes kid’s books – Purple Cow, We’re all Weird….?

    So I’m going to follow your advice here step by step, man.

    Just need one thing.
    Could you send me the template you use for “… being amazing.”

    I couldn’t find one on Google.
    Thanks again, man.

  • I do share what Seth publishes, from time to time… because let’s face it, sometimes he has good ideas.

    But trying to “be” a Seth Godin without busting your ass and delivering value to a market, ummm… no. 🙂

  • Thank you for a bout of hysterical laughter that I totally needed today! Well played, Mars and Mark.

  • He is VERY good.

  • Certification? Really? How about a frame? If it comes in a frame, I’m in.

  • That was a brilliant post! The sad (strange?) thing is, that’s how you really do it. And it’s not really “fake it ’til you make it.” IMHO.

  • Ameena Falchetto

    Now that is all hilarious Mars! And true for so many!

  • I kinda wondered, too. 😉

  • thanx Ameena, I’m pointing fingers at myself here as well 😉

  • Hi Mars,

    I loved this, but was laughing at myself all the way through. I don’t necessarily worship Seth GODin, but I’ve, well you know … you’ve been there 😉 Loved it!

  • Fantastic! Too funny (not to mention real!)

  • Barbara Behan

    This is hilarious. And true.

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  • As a typically self-depreciating and call-it-like-it-is Aussie, this is so spot on.

  • Kitty Kilian

    What I am really wondering about then is: what’s funny and why.

    We all go to school. Then to high school. Then to college etc. We all waste years doing the exact same thing everyone else does. We know there are different ways but we aren’t brave enough to say: to hell with school, or we haven’t thought of them.

    Right now we all need to go online. There is no real internet university yet (thank goodness). So we are all learning from one another. And many of us are learning how to run a business for the first time – we weren’t really born as online entrepreneurs and we certainly would not have chosen to be in online business, many of us, had the economy not taken a dramatic shift towards online.

    So yes.

    There are a lot of people seeking guidance.

    I myself have never really been inspired by Seth Godin, may be because a lot of what he says is geared towards big corporations – or at least that has been my perception. But a lot of what he said in the past has now become mainstream so I am influenced by him all the same. But I know many people revere him almost like a religion so I hope he is spreading the right memes.

    For in a society where a few online gurus have extraordinary powers, because of how the online media work, it seems to me that what is needed most is a very critical evaluation of what those gurus say.

    Which is why I like to read Marks blogs, for he seems to be one of the few bloggers who asks questions and seeks answers about the whole system – even though he is part of it – where most people seem to be too afraid to do so.

    The whole business ideology and how it works is still too hard to grasp for me to be able to do the same. But boy, do I need others who question everything that is happening.

    So – that was the thinking behind my first remark.

  • Alessia

    I laughed all the way through. It’s a compliment.

  • heh, I still love the guy, but I want to write and talk about my own experiences, instead of rehashing like a lot of people out there.
    Copycats don’t make it.

  • Ray, unfortunately, I can’t give you a template, because Seth Godin doesn’t give out formulas, so neither can I.
    Here’s what I can tell you though :

    Just be amazing ! Do something remarkable. Be a purple cow.
    Disrupt your industry. And sell lots of PDF guides.

    If that advice doesn’t clear your mind, we both need to read more GODin.

  • MARS! First off, I’m deeply offended that you would defame our demagogue and the gospel which I like to call, #Sethism! (#catchphrase, #ohyeah)
    Second, I’m kidding, this piece was a refreshing change of pace from the usual, and I got a good chuckle out of it. Thanks for sharing your witticisms and I’ll definitely be subscribing to your blog to see what else you have to say 🙂

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  • A widget is better. Then we drive all traffic to the site as everyone wants to display it. And a frame, a cheap one that looks expensive (gold colored wooden frame).

  • That’s what my mother said until I dropped out of university after 4 years.

  • Way to go Mars. Looks like the cats out of the bag! 🙂 Naturally, you’ll have to follow-up with version 2.0 because that will be the real “game changer”.

  • Already working on that in the shadows…it’s going to be an updated version 😉

  • Kitty I see your comments and wouldn’t have thought you took this serious…time for a cuppa tea 😉

  • Kitty Kilian

    Well, may be it is just my preoccupations.
    What happened to the Happy Hotelier?

  • How about becoming a blogging ninja instead? Gotta love those ninjas…

  • The Ninja’s will be in version 2.0, if they survive the fight with the pirates.

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  • AdamD

    I feel so dumb because I have paid for so many things with 7 at the end worth $297. “I can see clearly now, the rain has gone”!

  • Now now, you forgot to say provide Value and be engaging!

  • Soar-Thumb.com

    I’m milking the purple cow and making something awesome right now!!!!! Lol

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  • pedalingsquares

    Also, shoot an overly excited video of yourself on your iPhone in a really reverberant room (or in front of a bookcase if you want to look smarter) talking about the insider’s secret that you just learned (that’s contained in your PDF for $97)

    …and

    Get a couple of your friends ..er experts (who have made a presentation to their mom) together and put on a blogging/social media conference. Call it something inspirational (Explore!!) Use Yammer onsite so people can #tweet about #blogging to their friends sitting 8 feet away (who are just there to network and try to get a job).

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