humor


Tit-for-tat

Aug 22nd

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It’s the end of the week and as usual, I am feeling a little punchy. So I thought I would tell you a joke. Actually it’s a true story that happened this week.
I was giving a presentation at a client location and the main focus was a female executive at the head of the table.
Now, I have used my laptop on their projection system in this very meeting room a dozen times but for whatever reason, there was a ghost in the machine that day and the right-third of my power point slide was inexplicably cut-off.
On my first slide, I had a sentence that said: “You have significant assets and a brand that is powerful.”
But because the slide was cut off, it read,”You have significant assets and a bra.”
A normally stodgy corporate group looked at each other with nervous, politically-correct concern and then erupted in laughter. I was red-faced. Sheepishly I turned to the audience and said, “I feel like such a boob.”
Have a great weekend, everyone!

Fair Skies with a 100% Chance of Dipshit

Jul 31st

2 comments

Last Friday I overcame all obstacles to actually find a way to use “turd” in a headline and this week I upped the ante. Just trying to shake it up a bit at the end of the week. Isn’t that a more interesting headline than “The five biggest Twitter mistakes?”
ZZZZzzzzz
Actually, this headline is not mine. It comes from a blogpost from the rock band Trucker. I took a wrong turn on the Internet this week and landed on their website. Good thing, too, because I learned some valuable lessons on how to freshen up my writing style.
Here are some of my favorite passages from Trucker posts and my thoughts on what we can learn from them. Follow my advice and YOU TOO CAN WRITE LIKE A ROCK STAR …
 
 
Here’s another one of their better headlines: “WE GOT DICKJACKED, PT.2”
Lesson: I have no idea what this is about, but I’m going to read it. I also will probably tool around until I can find Part 1. Effective headlines make such a difference.
“Is it gonna rain? Get bitterly cold? Will your kids be safe leaving the house or are we all going to have a great opportunity to get drunk and hit the pool with our dogs tomorrow?”
Lesson: Just talk to your readers. It doesn’t have to be a PhD thesis. And any post about dogs is almost always going to rock.
“Unless you bastards and basterdets change your approach to giving us the information I hope each one of you is out of a job and end up on welfare.”
Lesson: Don’t be afraid to be controversial and take a stand. It’s also fun to make up words.
You need to quit drawing so much attention to yourself, lay low brotha. Your teasery used to be for the entertainment of Grandmas who like your attention. But guess what, Grandmas got the intertubes and she has had it with your shit too.
Lesson: Don’t write your blog when you’re drunk?
That might be jumping to conclusions, but fellas, you lost me with that last bit. Maybe it’s not that important. Once you’re famous, content doesn’t matter any way. Remember that artist who hung a toilet on the wall of the Museum of Modern Art? Once you make it, what you make doesn’t matter as much.
Thanks to Trucker for this lesson in effective blog writing. Next PBR’s on me boys.
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How to work "turd" into a headline and other crappy subjects

Jul 24th

11 comments

We’ve done a lot of heavy lifting on {grow} the past two weeks so I think it’s time to lighten up a little bit. Here are some things I NEED TO KNOW!
 

>> There are so many free online applications out there that it makes my head spin. Who is doing all of this work and how do they live with no income? And no hope of an income! Do they live with their moms? Maybe we should collectively call all these applications mom-ware.

>> These porn spammers on Twitter. How do they get 4,000 followers without sending a single tweet? HOW? WHY? I demand an explanation.

>> Here is the first tweet I ever received: “It’s 4 a.m.” That’s why most people think Twitter is the stupidest thing they have ever seen and quit in the first week. I was one of ‘em.
>> Here is a tweet I just received: “My girlfriend Terrie is whipping me at cards & I’m about to throw a hissy fit!” This is why Twitter makes some people want to hurl.
>> I have not truly pissed anybody off yet on my blog. Do I need to be more controversial? OK, here goes. I am writing this blog in the nude. See, I just broke a law in Singapore.

>> One of my most popular blog posts so far was about the social media team at GE. The page views went through the roof. Here’s why. GE has 350,000 employees. All they have to do is send out ONE email with a link to my blog and ka-pow! So, from now on, I am only writing about things that involve millions of people. My new emphasis is on China, India and those who write social media software apps while living with their moms.

>> Oh, the turd thing. Chris Brogan (the MAN) used “turd” in a blog headline and I thought it was refreshing. So I wanted to do it as soon as I had the chance so that my awesome readers might experience the same thing. Well, how did it go for you?

>> It’s not as hard to work “turd” into a conversation about social media as you might think.

>> I LOVE to see new people reading my blog and sending in their comments. It gets me revved-up to connect with so many cool people. So, THANK YOU for being here! Plus, I make money. I threw the Google ads up there for kicks. So far, I have made $3.12. Will somebody PLEASE click on a damn ad? I’m saving up for a Subway sandwich.

>> The single biggest business opportunity in social media is ANYTHING that will save you time. It’s official: The world has enough content. Thank you all for writing. You may stop now.

>> I’m guessing there is more content created on Twitter in a single day than in the first 2,000 years of recorded history. Wait, no … that is not a guess. I just decided it’s a fact. Now go tweet it out. You will amaze your friends and astound your enemies. Ta-da! It’s my first faux-fact. You can check it out on your mom-ware. Then it would be a mo-faux.

Thanks for stopping by : )

Goodbye, Kim Kardashian

Jul 9th

10 comments

This is a picture of Kim Kardashain with somebody who is not me.

Kim Kardashian and I have finally broken up.

It probably won’t make the tabloids. We’re keeping it quiet. But it’s OVER!

If you don’t know Kim, she is a lovely, self-described “Armenian Princess,” self-help diva, and reality TV star.

When I first started on Twitter, I had no idea what I was doing, so I followed the first person Twitter suggested: Kim Kardashian. I had never heard of her, which was part of the adventure.

Soon, I entered her world of fashion, Hollywood glamour, and famous friends, 140 characters at a time. I was smitten, enthralled, and I hung on her every word! Things moved quickly, and I guess you could say we were an item.

But then it all started to go wrong. The relationship seemed one-sided, especially since she never followed me back. Call me crazy, but Kim — come on! If we’re going to make this work, shouldn’t you at least let me have a say in the relationship once in a while???

If that weren’t bad enough, her whining began. It took SO LONG to get her nails done. Her work-outs were SO TOUGH. Her new dress DID NOT SPARKLE enough. I could hardly stand the incessant “me, me, me.” It was always all about HER. Of course it was. She never followed me back.

Then, the final straw. She started tweeting about her (GASP) “boyfriend.” Kim, what did I do to deserve this? You were … my first. My Little Twitter Queen, my lean, mean Armenian machine. I followed, and followed and followed. For what? To be dumped for a rich, handsome actor half my age? Well, those are good points. Still, I have my pride.

I un-followed Kim today . She probably didn’t even notice as she gets ready for another fabulous day sunning her abs in Malibu. Still, I will always remember you Kimmy — my first, my only, my sweet Twitter-pie.

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