A USC researcher also concludes that inflatable penguins will consume 68% more content than humans by 2016.

The USC researcher also concludes that inflatable penguins will consume 68% more content than humans and 47% more than most mollusks by 2016. They still can’t change the television channel however, lacking fingers.

I would like for you to think about this summary statement of a new study by the Marshall School of Business at USC:

By 2015, it is estimated that Americans will consume both traditional and digital media for over 1.7 trillion hours, an average of approximately 15 and a half hours per person per day.

I am NOT making this up. Let’s get our head around this projection.

I did some research and the average person still needs 8 hours of sleep per day. So between consuming content for 15.5 hours per day and sleeping for eight, this accounts for 23.5 hours of a 24 hour day, according to the research.

I’m assuming the other thing we really have to do that is non-negotiable is going to the bathroom during the last 30 minutes USC has left us in our day.

I dug up a study on how much time people in the UK spend in the bathroom. While it may not be fair to declare this is a global average, let’s assume that the 2,500 people polled from that nation are not highly unusual in their toilet occupancy rate. Here is how it adds up:

14 minutes on toilet

12 min in shower

4 min drying off

2 min brushing teeth

According to a USC study, we may be the last generation to brush our teeth.

According to a USC study, we may be the last generation to brush our teeth.

If this is true, then when it comes to spending time on the toilet, I am definitely a six sigma kind of guy.

Any way, that adds up to 32 minutes. Apparently nobody applies make-up in the UK, or perhaps that was beyond the scope of the study. No matter. The implications of this USC research are truly startling. By 2015, the only thing Americans will do is sleep, consume content, and poop. In fact, according to this research, we’re two minutes over. Looks like we will have to stop brushing our teeth.

Notice, there is also no time left for driving, getting dressed in the morning. or kissing the kids goodbye as they toodle off to school. So, just get used to it. This is our harsh new reality.

This is so depressing to me. I am really going to miss sex. And I always found food to be useful too. I even enjoy putting on clothes now and then. Not every day mind you, but a couple of days a week at least. But, you know, USC probably put a lot of effort into this research so we should believe what they say. They are a UNIVERSITY.

What was their methodology?

“These estimates are from an analysis of more than 30 different sources of media data, ranging from traditional media (TV, Radio, Voice telephony) to new digital sources (tablet computers, mobile gaming devices, smartphones, mobile video). Media consumed while at work is not included.”

duck-dynasty

The fellas from Duck Dynasty could be the real winners from this USC study.

Wow. You mean if we counted content consumed during working hours, that number would be even higher? Oh wait … we don’t have time for work any way because we’re going to be playing Farmville and Watching Duck Dynasty 15.5 hours a day.

I’m guessing their research methodology might be flawed because the TV people they surveyed are probably saying TV consumption will go up and the Google people are saying Googling will be going up, and maybe even we are projected to be doing more Yahooing and so on. Look I have been in business long enough to know that when you are doing a projection for your company at the end of the year, your growth forecasts better look like a hockey stick.

But they can’t ALL be going up. Here’s why. We NEED TO FREAKING EAT SOMETHING. I mean please USC, at least leave us some time for Oreos. They have worked so darn hard to be popular again and they DESERVE to be eaten. The last thing this nation needs right now is further grieving over a stuffed cookie.

I’m no university researcher, and I’m probably going out on a limb here, but I’m going to make my own projection and say that we are NOT going to consume content for 15.5 hours a day in 2015. Let’s think critically before just accepting numbers like this, even if it does come from a university.

But I could be wrong, so please go have sex RIGHT NOW. The end is near!

Note: I know that humor does not translate well into other languages so if this article does not make sense to you, it is meant to be satire.

Credits: Ridiculously cute baby picture courtesy of Flickr CC and Kelsey Kinjo

Strange penguin photo from Flickr CC and Mark Payne

Duck Dynasty promo shot via A&E Network

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