Dear Country of France,
I’ve crawled around your country about a dozen times over the years and each visit has been filled with beauty, culture, history and fine food.
But I have to ask … How did you become such a great nation with such lousy bacon?
Indeed, I believe the foundation of American’s strength — not to mention its girth — is fortified by its wonderful bacon. As an act of selfless diplomacy, I’d like to suggest that I can help you out in this area.
Bacon provides important nutrients from the five basic food groups: salt, sugar, fat, cholesterol and pork. Hence, it is Nature’s Most Perfect Food. In fact, I think the only food that rivals bacon in nutritional value is Beer Nuts. You can probably skip those, however.
With the global financial crisis and political controversies you’re facing, I believe a good slab of bacon would effectively distract your foes and delight French citizens. Who would not be much happier with a nice plate of thick-cut, maple-smoked bacon?
Now I know you have a lot of national pride and are probably thinking you can establish your own bastion of bacon. Forget about it. Our technology is far too advanced. Let us help you get over the learning curve and ship you a couple of truck loads. Don’t worry, we have plenty to go around.
I await your call.
P.S. If you are a new reader or otherwise confused, this is meant to be humorous. At least to me.