The 20 all-time funny Twitter bios

funny twitter bios

A few months ago I introduced a blog post about the 20 all-time greatest Twitter bios I had come across.  I have had more requests to repeat this effort than any other blog post I have ever written (I’m heartened to see that I’m making such an impact!).

Could Twitter bios be the ultimate creative effort?  It’s not easy stating your case in 160 characters.  So here we go Twitter lovers — Round Deux of some funny Twitter bios … and all of these are real!

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

Aggressively unfancy.


Currently working towards an MBA with an emphasis in fantasy football.

Have own hair and like ugly things

Puttin’ the ‘elation’ in ‘Public Relations’

I always feel sad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies?

I have friends in spite of myself.

Probably the best meat eater in the world

Nice guys finish lunch.

Will show ankle for five minutes of wireless

I recently gave up Warcraft so my productivity, and drinking, have increased dramatically.

there is a problem with this mattress

A man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery.

social strategy & implementation. will work for shoes.

You know the burnt-out college student in front of you in line at Target who was intermittently chuckling to herself? Nice to meet you, too.

If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment

I’m @JasonFalls’s wife. I am not on Twitter. Go do something useful.

I’m 25% mom 25% comedian 62% boobs 48% mathematician and 100% woman-monkey.

I once sneezed a beenie weenie through my nose. I also made a horse faint in Costa Rica.

twitter book

All posts

  • This much awesome is hard to contain. For the record, one of my bosses is on Twitter and he is a “ninja lawyer” and a “media savant” he also claims to be the “second most interesting man in the world” He did all of that before breakfast.

    I want a funny profile now! That is really and truly awesome. Thanks for the morning laugh Mark!

  • Um, totally hilarious and really creative too! @hotamishchick might just be my favorite.

  • Wow, I’m a total slacker! 🙂

  • I feel absolutely inadequate now! Haha. “Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.” Absolutely brilliant.

  • Definitely a highlight in my reading today. Thanks for this! You should run a contest! 😉

  • Anonymous

    LOL funny stuff

  • Great list! literally laughed out loud reading @iamaveronica and @katefettie

  • These are awesome, especially the last one. I love saying beenie weenie! Great collection!

  • Tony Bittick

    I’ll apologize in advance but I’d like to meet @shariv67. I have to admit I’ve never met a woman monkey with boobs who can do math. I HATE math!!

  • Hilarious! Thanks Mark.

  • I LOLed and still am 🙂

    some are a bit weird but most are really, really funny, loved it, Mark!

  • Awesome list, Mark. I like the @shariv67 & @robburnsbrain bio’s !

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Mark, dude I am on the floor, like literally, the whole coffee shop is looking over! Made my day, absolutely!

  • Where do you get a list like this? ROFL!!! I love this one -> I always feel sad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies?

  • Ken

    Mark, an awesome list…[email protected] takes the cake.

  • I LOVE the bloggess! The tag line on her site is also amazing… “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better”

    @JimNorton’s is a comedian I love and his Twitter bio goes…

    “This is my Twitter account. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

    Thanks Mark for turning me onto 19 other people to follow!

  • L.A.C.E.

    My twitter bio is now officially ashamed of itself. Good Day.

  • @robburnsbrain and @badbanana were the best:)

  • I’m just honored to be included. If I said any more it would ruin the mystery.

  • I’ve got one more for you:
    @LesbianDad San Francisco Bay Area:
    “Utterly unable to contain myself to 140 chars. But will try valiantly. Wish me lu-“

  • I just keep my eyes open. Part of being a good storyteller. : )

  • Mark – get out of my drafts!!!!!!!!!!
    This post has been sitting in my WP for about a month now LOL ;).
    Loved this!
    Will wait another month in that case to publish mine hahaha
    Okay – straight out of there is this image:

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  • Love it Mark! thanks for the laugh – good day for it!

  • Hey, I wrote my first bio post last year! I filed an international patent on it. The law is particularly strict in Lebanon I hear. : )

  • LOL!
    Yes – we’re quite known for being law abider’s in these parts of the world haha. Just kidding. I am though!
    I’m gonna have to read that one – as I didn’t have the chance to yet. Going back to grab that link now :).

  • I got another one for you. I actually wrote a post about this guy a while back and you might have heard of him as he became quite famous regurgitating daddy’s below the belt and outrageously funny comments.

    I’m 29. I live with my 74-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says

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  • lol, funny list, I really liked @badbanana’s bio!

  • Sherry Kronenfeld

    Idea for next blog post: “How to write a funny Twitter bio” (I need a tutorial!)

  • That was awesome. It’s Good Friday and hardly anyone’s in the office. Which is a good thing, since they may think I’m nuts for laughing so hard at 9:22 in the morning. Nice find Mark.

  • Cool, very cool Mark!!! “Here’s looking at you, kid.” ; )

  • HAHA !

  • HAHA !

  • This was just what this week needed! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  • Read it when you need the emotional boost that only comes from laughing really, really hard!

  • Jason’s wife’s one is HILARIOUS! I saw this one yesterday and it made me LOL

    @bonky02 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

  • Thanks Mark, LMAO : )

    Srini says “Hey!”

  • Ok, we’ve just started the next list!

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  • I like funny tweets, and its sometimes really hard to find, thanks for the list, this will make my day funny.

  • I have checked all those twitter profiles and awesome, funny too.

  • Preetam Kaushik

    Interesting..:) Thank for putting this up Mark..:) Especially this one – Currently working towards an MBA with an emphasis in fantasy football because I am in a similar kind of situation. Hahaha….

    Loved this post…..:)

  • Mark,

    Those were great. Thanks so much for taking the time to find them all and post them. I had a good chuckle.


  • David Fossas

    This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing

  • Thanks 🙂

  • Oh Mark these are so funny! Here’s my favorite:

    If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment

    Great job putting these together.

  • Anonymous

    Love the “elation” in public relations. Maybe we should start a twitter haiku next? Thanks for the chuckles.

  • I’ve seen a few creative ones, never thought about making a post from it; good choice.

    Beenie weanies is the one because it also came w/ a visual………yikes………..

  • KatiX

    Love. Love. Love this. Too funny.

  • I have actually been thinking about the physics of that one.

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  • I am in the company of comic genius – how did I make the list? No matter, honored and LMAO … THANKS

  • Oh the slacker fail, I missed this. Must clear out Reader to a more manageable 2,348 feeds. Sheesh. These are so good, makes me want to take another crack at mine, make it less sucky. Some of my wackier follows:

    @sween limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.
    @LordStewie World Domination is my middle name.

    Sure I could come up with more, but would embarrass myself. FWIW.

  • Great post! Just the laugh I needed tonight!!

  • Carpe Coffee!

  • Bgibbs73

    Ha! I just now realized I was a part if your list! I’m honored! Lots of funny ones in there!

  • Cracking up, but thought I should share. it is my personal favorite. @FactoryPR:twitter : Women’s and Men’s Fashion and Lifestyle public relations agency. NY/LA. Our motto: More Pitching, Less Bitching 

  • Darth Vader is also pretty good.

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  • I would show ankle too for wireless!

    Too funny!  Thanks for collecting you are stellar!

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  • Christina

    Hahaha lol

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  • I had no idea I was even listed on here!  LMAO!  Thank you!

  • Manju Gc85

    get idea…!

  • Thank you!  I think I might have gotten that from a friend on Facebook, decided to tweet it in the bio, and then forgot all about it until I was told I was quoted in this article!  LMAO!  So proud!

  • This is hilarious. Thanks for sharing

  • guest


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  • jade_flower2

    some people say i am a know it all but i think i think i am just smart.

  • Jeremy

    Tyler creator bio funny

  • Jas

    My bio is “spreading smiles like their herpes.” follow @jassingh1996

  • slicnick6

    yeah my bio would put these to shame

  • follow me plzzzz for awesome stuff… not for my cute picture 😛 @nada1999_

  • follow me for awesome stuff not for my cute picture 😛

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  • Ralph Salcedo

    Mine is ” World’s best person to give a massage to” 😛

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  • Loluwotm9

    That will get you sex for sure, 100%

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  • yasmin

    the only time I set the bar low, is for Limbo.

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