My journey to the edge of sanity and back

sanity

By Mark W. Schaefer

I realized this is the tenth anniversary of my descent to the edge of sanity.

This is a difficult post to write because I normally don’t dwell on such dark things. But the echo from the cataclysmic Big Bang of my life still provides the background noise in my cosmos. It is part of who I am and part of who I will always be.

When we work with people, we only see a small sliver of who they really are — perhaps decades of experiences that have brought them to that point. On the web, where we may only admire online friends from a photo and a few posts, that sliver is infinitesimal. We don’t really know people at all.

Maybe you only know me from some list I am on, or perhaps you’ve read a book or attended a class. Today, let’s peel it back.

My life’s Big Bang

The Big Bang started with a Mercedes-Benz.

I was happily working in my yard, cleaning up from a neighborhood party my wife and I hosted, when a stranger in a black Mercedes drove up, rolled down the window, and handed me a slip of paper with a phone number scribbled on it. The mysterious driver insisted that it was urgent that I call this number. In fact, it would change my life.

So I called the number.

On the other end of the phone was a kind woman who carefully described to me how her husband was having an affair with my wife. She had hired a private investigator who now had a video of them together.

For the next two days I trembled, alone, in a hotel room. And then I went to see the video … which had the unexpected impact of calming me down. At least I knew the truth of the situation.

Lots of people have affairs and lots of couples get divorced without going insane but I wasn’t one of those people. It was complicated.

This event happened after I had supported my wife through her problems with addictions for years. She had been in and out of re-hab, totaled a car (and almost killed herself), tried to commit suicide, disappeared on drinking binges, and routinely drove around drunk. Living with her was literally a matter of life and death every day, for years. My life was a war zone. I loved her for better or for worse, and mostly it was worse.

She was also the mother of my two step children who I loved as my own, raised as my own. They called me Daddy. And then after she ran away with this guy, they were gone. I never saw them again. Stepfathers have no rights.

A few months before The Big Bang, I had an accident and was temporarily paralyzed with a spinal cord injury. The neurosurgeon wondered how I could walk, but I did. After surgery I had to nurse myself back to health because my wife was too drunk to help me. I had side effects from the injury for years.

During this period I also lost three of my best friends, two to disease, one to a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I was also in a terrible, stressful situation at work, toiling for an unethical bully.

My finances were a mess. In the divorce, I had to give this woman half of everything I owned, everything I had saved for decades.

The divorce wasn’t easy. In her drunken haze, my wife begged and pleaded for reconciliation but kept going back to the other guy, a goofy-looking slug who was a serial womanizer, a liar, and a business cheat. He had been married three times before and was in the middle of one affair when he started preying on my wife. A class act.

None of it made sense until I learned some of my wife’s family secrets. It made me realize my wife had been on a nearly continuous path of self-destruction since she was a teenager. But I knew none of this going into the marriage.

All of this came crashing down. Everything was gone, it seemed. My wife, my family, my friends, my house, my money, my job security, my health, my children. I even had to give up my dog in the divorce. I had lost all that was seemingly meaningful in a matter of months.

And I snapped. Just for a few days, but I snapped. I don’t even remember much of this period. I kept a journal which I recently re-discovered and so much of the pain of this time I had completely forgotten or repressed, until now.

What does it mean?

I’m a private person so rarely shovel out a lot of this personal stuff. I prefer to go on, move ahead, focus on the future. But I’ve learned the hard way that you never really get over trauma like this. Time doesn’t heal, it numbs.

I know this sounds so stupid now, but when all this was going on, I did not get the help I needed to recover. But after all this time, I could not ignore the toxins still rumbling through my head, and I started to talk to a professional. I am, in his words, “monstrously traumatized.”

I hate being put on a pedestal. Today I wanted to prove to you that I’m screwed up like just about everybody else.

I have this cool little thing on my site where people can sign up for an hour of my time. I get a chance to help a lot of fascinating people from all over the world and it is always a fun challenge. Recently a person called me and said she had to get up her courage to talk to me. Why? “Because you’re a rockstar.”

As you can see, I’m really not.

I am just a person. My talent is being a strong strategic thinker and writing about it, or talking about business from a stage.

You have talents too. You are amazing. We are all equal in our human condition. We all succeed, we all fall, we all suffer.

A place of peace

When I was going through this dark period, my cousin gave me a great piece of advice: “There is a certain amount of liberty that comes from being totally fucked.”

And it was true.

In the world of physics, The Big Bang was the event where all light and life sprung forth from a single point of darkness. And so it did. The cataclysm made me who I am today. The explosion altered the course of my life, like a detour that never ends. But I am stronger and happier than at any other time in my life.

In fact, I can say without reservation that I would not be connected to you through this blog, I would not have written my books, I would not be speaking on your stage, or holding forth at your workshop if had not been for The Big Bang. If it had never occurred, I might have been dragged right down the drain for years with a very sick woman.

I’m re-married to the person I was meant to be with all along. I am doing the work I was born to do. I am settling into a place of peace.

I am incredibly blessed to be in a position where people listen to what I say. I am privileged to have a forum to speak truth and dispense hope.

You know … when you think about it, perhaps this 10-year anniversary, this Big Bang, is something worth celebrating.

Illustration courtesy Flickr CC and Christine Ricks.

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  • Elizabeth Sosnow

    What extraordinary courage and honesty, Mark. By exposing some of your scars, you make me even more appreciative of your insights and warmth. Life can be really hard, so I love knowing that, sometimes, the good guys really do get to win.

  • How remarkable! Your marketing advice is one thing; your backstory, another. But somehow I see a continuum I can’t put into words. An ornithologist mentioned during a recent NPR interview that birds’ voice boxes are lodged deep within their chests. “Birds sing from the heart,” she said. You do, too. A lot of us appreciate it.

  • Mark, truly a beautiful story you’ve shared with us here. Thank you so much for opening up like this with such a positive message that will surely help others as well. You have built a wonderful life, anyone who meets you and your wife now can see how truly blessed you both are.

    To think about the path you have come through to reach here, it’s amazing and inspiring.

    After my divorce, years ago now, I moved to Hawaii, I remember very clearly a moment where I was standing at the end of the road, looking out towards the ocean, all there was was nature, and I thought to myself: this IS freedom. When you leave everything behind and have nothing to lose, it is truly a rebirth of sorts and a rare gift that most people never have a chance to live. Like you, I also feel, if not for changes and leaving everything behind, I would never be the person I am today, nor would I be here online with so many gifts and new relationships, projects and wonderful interactions.

    Freedom gives birth to beautiful things. I’m sorry for what you went through, but am so happy you’ve evolved to emerge as the person we know today, and all of your past is truly a part of this. Celebrate today, it’s truly wonderful.

  • How beautifully said!

  • Thank you for sharing, Mark. There is power in stories — even (perhaps especially) the ones we tell ourselves or the ones we hide away. Having met you only through your words as an already-established marketing “rock star,” I never would have guessed at this history. That you’ve come such a long way since is a testament to your courage and resilience. It’s truly inspirational.

  • Steve Woodruff

    Thank you, sir. Not easy stuff to share publicly. But liberating to know, once again, that we’re all broken and scarred.

  • Curt Franke

    We just don’t know what the other person is dealing with or has dealt with. Thank you for sharing your story and providing encouragement through it. I think that your cousin provided you some frank words of wisdom, that when you have lost everything you have nothing to lose – and that can free one for the bold attempt. You have blessed me and many others. (2 Corinthians 1)

  • Mark, I’m so sorry that these things happened to you but so glad to learn how you’ve coped and used them to be that better person and an intelligent, sincere and positive influence. I’m grateful to be among the many who have benefited from knowing you. We love you man, God bless you and yours.

  • Jeffrey Slater

    Maya Angelou said, you don’t remember what people do or say, only how they made you feel. Your post makes me feel human, connected and honored to be part of your community. Marketing advice is what we may do for our day jobs, but showing up as a human being each and every day is the real reason we are here. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Brooke Ballard

    Beautiful words from a beautiful soul. <3

  • Mark, this touched me in a way that I can’t adequately describe. I admire your courage; revealing our dark times is among the harder things to do in this life. I can say, unequivocally, that you are not alone here. Very happy you’ve found your peace.

  • Mark, thank you so much for sharing a big piece of your life with me/us. You trusted us enough to let us in, and that is enormous. I like you even more now than I did before I read this…and that was already A LOT!! In celebration with you for all that has turned wonderful and right in your world….Nancy

  • KimberWidmer

    The dichotomy between vulnerability and strength is something I don’t understand, but I feel better acquainted with the concept after hearing your story. Thanks for opening up and letting us in… you are a gifted visionary and I’m sure I’m not alone in saying you’re a gift to this community.

  • Andrea Scoretz

    Mark, this was such a powerful post. I cried. Sharing our stories helps us heal and inspires others, and I appreciate that you shared yours today. Thank-you 🙂

  • Billy Delaney

    You are loved and respected: the two things we all live for. Your friend that you can call at 2am and I will help.

  • Frederic Gonzalo

    Wow, powerful stuff. Respect. I recently went through divorce, nowhere near as nasty as what you seem to have gone through, yet I can relate since life is turned upside down. But as Nietzche said it best: “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”. Here’s to the silver lining and keep up the phenomenal work on your blog, on stage and in your consulting. You rock!

  • Now I know you even more.

    Whether it’s from an emotional or financial collapse – or both, the spiral downward can be dark and disorienting. It can hit all at once with a tragic event or pull you down over time. I’ve hit rock bottom several times in my life and may well again because the longer we live there’s always more to endure and enjoy. Your story is an inspiration and I’m sure it will help others in the midst of dealing with the darkness.

    I agree with your cousin’s perspective and good advice. And I admire the courage and optimism you demonstrate in how you’ve recovered. It’s been my experience that three things can help when you are at rock bottom. 1) Even if you are under deep dark waters, you can still stand up with both feet firmly on the ground. 2) You can still have faith or find faith. 3) You can still have empathy for, and be inspired by others that have had it worse and somehow recovered.

    Many don’t make it back from a mental downfall and the physical pain that comes with it. And that’s the worst kind of sadness.

    Thanks for sharing this heartbreaking yet inspiring chapter of your life. It makes the subsequent content even more meaningful. Here’s to many more chapters ahead for you and me both. I love you man!

  • Todd Lyden

    Dude, I, and all of your other fans on here beg to differ: you ARE a rockstar.
    It takes strength to do what you did and to share when it feels right.

  • Mark, I heard some of your story at a very personal presentation you made at HubSpot’s Inbound, and I’ll never forget it. I, too, have been traumatized by infidelity, mental illness in those I love, and things I rarely speak of anymore. You are right. Time does not heal. It only numbs. I’m glad you’re talking it out with someone who can help. I may one day write a book.

    I’m so glad you ended up right where you belong and your enormous heart was not crushed – only wounded and now bigger than ever. Your story is heartbreaking, but also full of hope.

    Thank you so much for sharing. So glad you made it to the other side.

  • Mark, all I can say is thank you for sharing this. It takes guts to open up and I am somehow humbled by your willingness to share your personal life. It gives me courage. Thank you.

  • You always amaze me. That’s why you are a Rockstar. You are so talented and real.

  • Gary Schirr

    Thanks Mark. I think it is a public service to share your difficult times and recovery with the world. Conversations with “friends” on social media may leave one with the impression that only you have problems.

  • Lilach Bullock

    Wow Mark, I had no idea of your personal story. You are incredibly brave to share it with the world. It’s interesting and can sometimes be the “dark side” of social media in that we tend to focus on posting the more “positive” updates. People really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and how much work and pain someone went through to get to where they are today. Influencers are put on pedestals when the reality is that no one person is better than the other. We are all talented and special in our unique way. Truly humbled by your share 🙂

  • Thank you my dear friend.

  • It certainly is a continuum. I have a new super power — having true empathy for those in enormous pain. I am a bigger emotional person.

  • Thanks for commenting Mila. I also get so much renewal from nature. Always have since I was a kid.

  • Thank you Peter.

  • Truly. And we have to remember that and have empathy for people, even when we don’t understand.

  • Thanks so much for the kind words Curt.

  • Thank you my friend. I love you too.

  • Means a lot coming from you. Thank you buddy.

  • Thank you Brooke. I feel the same about you.

  • When I was going through this I went to a divorce support group through a church and was amazed how many people had gone through similar things. At one point, every person in the room had literally wanted to kill somebody. This was a great source of support at the time.

  • Thanks. I truly hate posting stuff like this but I think it is part of being a leader in the space. I have been blessed with a global audience and I can set example that might help somebody in some little way.

  • MK

    Thank you for sharing your story. Stories of people who are on the brink and have to pull themselves back tend to top my favorites, because they’re the most interesting. Usually these stories I like are fictional; it’s all the more interesting when they’re not. Thanks again for sharing.

  • Thank you Kim!

  • Thank you for taking the time to comment and let me know Andrea. That means a lot.

  • I know that! And I’m here for you too.

  • Thank you sir.

  • As always, your amazing commentary is blog post in its own right. What a gift. Love you too Billy.

  • I am keenly aware of my place in the world. I do appreciate your faith and kind words.

  • Wow so sorry to hear of your pain Alisa. You have come through in a mighty way!

  • That is very kind of you to say. I appreciate this kind sentiment John.

  • Love you. Thanks for commenting.

  • I am blessed to have a global forum. I can’t just waste that on Twitter tips if there are other ways to dispense hope.

  • Andrea Scoretz

    🙂 Enjoy your day Mark!

  • We tend to post our shiny best selves. Occasionally people need to know we are all people.

  • Cathy Hackl

    This was so powerful to read. Thanks for sharing this with the world.

  • Mark your story is so inspiring. God has a way of always using one’s pain to help another. I am confident God already has and will continue to use your pain for good. You are the person you are today because of your crazy, terrible, “big bang.” You are a beautiful person inside out who i am beyond words blessed to call friend and thank Him for crossing our paths. Thank you for being so real, raw and for simply being you. You are helping so many people every single day. Often times in my career and I know you feel the same… it reminds me of Dory’s words from the latest movie, “Finding Dory”… “just keep swimming”… instead we “just keep writing, just keep blogging, just keep doing live video etc.” God gives us experiences and a voice to use to share those experiences so we can help others. Love you brother! xoxo

  • Matt Vazquez

    Mark, thank you for the courage it took to write all of this. I’ve been following you for quite a while now and seeing this side of you provides a lot of reassurance that anyone can “achieve greatness”…whatever that means. Mental illness, addiction and suicide have all played a role in my life as well, and in my own weird way, I am grateful for that. I know what you mean. Cheers.

  • Thanks for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated.

  • you’re welcome

  • Love you too, thanks for the kind words!

  • This post Mark, is a prime example of why I love and respect you so much. Thank you for all you do to make the world a better place.

  • Ha! We’re brothers in that way. Hang in there. Courage.

  • Thank you for your love and support for all these years Don.

  • Could not love you more. Thanks for showing your scars.

  • I’m sending you a very big virtual hug. And you are a rockstar — for being “you.”

  • Mark, I have followed you for some time now, and today I read this post with great interest. My first wife was a bi-polar manic depressive with whom I had two children and lived through hell until she finally passed away ten years after our divorce. My relationship with my children is tenuous at best. However, I am now married to a wonderful woman who is my best friend and came with 3 great children whom are very close to me. Having traveled to Hell and back and I appreciate not only your story, but your sharing and making you more personal to me. Thank you for sharing and for all the great posts that have helped me hang on to my sanity.

  • Thanks Ann. Love you back.

  • Hey Daria! Thanks for the kind comment.

  • So very sorry to hear about your relationship with your kids. Don’t give up. Thanks for commenting.

  • Thanks so much, Mark. I can only imagine the courage it took to go through all of that, come out on the other side, and then *write* about it for all to see. Something many of us aren’t willing to do. So it turns out, you really are a rock star after all! Rock stars are talented, flawed, expressive people who also have the courage to get on stage and be present with the masses. That, too, is a gift, and I feel blessed to know you and have attended your “concert” – our little social media lollapalooza.

  • Speechless. Thank you my friend.

  • What a very beautiful comment Mike. Awesome. Thank you!

  • A story you have told me privately. Now, it is here. For all to see. It is brave to share. It is more brave to have lived to tell. Don’t know what forces in those cosmos brought us together (actually, I think it was disagreements and then a podcast ;), but I’m glad it did… always just a few pixels within reach for you 🙂

  • And same for my friend. Honored to have you comment.

  • Mark, I read this early this morning, and have been thinking about it all day. Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so transparent. I echo what so many have said here: you are incredibly brave to share this with the world. You are amazing!

  • You’re the poster child for transparency and authenticity, Mark. Big hugs mate.

  • Wow! Thanks for being brave enough to share this…

  • Hi Mark, Thanks so much for being so honest and transparent. It takes a lot of guts and courage to open yourself up like that.

    For all of us who have social media and who have an online ‘brand’ we often only put up the ‘highlight reel’ of the good times. I hope your story inspires us all to be a bit more real rather than ‘reel’ in being honest and being ourselves and the world.

    Thanks Mark and stay strong.

    Steve

  • After our ‘1 hour chat session’ last week Mark, I was invigorated by your creative ideas for my business. I also knew from our chat…. our first meeting, that you were indeed a ‘rock star’. After reading this moving piece, you’ve now officially gained a another life long fan. Powerful stuff. Thank you.

  • mat loup

    Hi Mark – That’s a fabulous, powerful and brave piece of writing. Most inspirational – thank you

  • Sarah Wood

    Thank you for sharing Mark, a very powerful read, best wishes.

  • wow…Mark I’m…I’m really stunned by your personal story…So many bad things happened in such a short period of time and you…your bravery…not just to embrace things and move on, but to share this with us, your large audience…I don’t know how to look at you now….should I consider you more of a human or a superhuman… 🙂 honestly 🙂

    Your cousin is probably a very wise, experienced person who knows what he’s talking about, because he’s right! There is a certain amount of liberty that comes from being totally messed up! My life experience somehow always lead me to Robert Frost and his quote about life – I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, so here it is:

    “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. ”

    So somehow, life goes on for all of us… And this “Big Bang” as you call it, is definitely something worth celebrating because it showed you what have you been made of! And it may look like just some flesh, blood and bone, but it’s actually some truly remarkable character! And that is something worth admiring – if you ask me!

    Stay well dear Mark!

  • Fantastic read Mark and no doubt difficult to write. Thanks for sharing, reminding us we’re all a little fucked and cheers to it!

  • paulakiger

    Thank you for sharing this. Your candor is appreciated and I am so happy you find yourself in such a better place now.

  • Thanks for taking your precious time to comment Robin.

  • Thanks my friend. Miss you.

  • You’re welcome. Thanks for commenting.

  • This was certainly out of my comfort zone. Never sweated over a piece of content like this before. : ) Thanks for reading my blog Steve.

  • Thank you so much for stopping by and please keep in touch with the ideas we discussed!

  • Thanks for your kind words Mat.

  • You’re welcome Sarah.

  • Thanks for the amazing comment but I really don’t look back at this with any source of pride. A divorce is a systemic failure, at least to me. Its true that I had no choice about things but it is still a source of grief and loss. When I was so out of my mind with confusion and grief, I did not always act in a heroic way. There was a period of time I just wanted to inflict pain and revenge, which is a normal reaction I have learned. I had to get through that like any other person. I had to struggle with forgiveness, and I still do because the loss is really ever-present and on-going. Yes, I did recover but in no way was I superhuman, not then, not now. The main thing that pulled me out was faith in God and a determination to not let evil win and determine the rest of my life. Love has to win. Life has to win. Thanks so much for your lovely comment.

  • Yes, that was the point exactly. : ) Thanks Jeff.

  • I’m happy about it too : ) Thanks for taking the time to comment.

  • Thank you Mark for being so honest with me! Life did win!
    I wish you a pleasant weekend, full of joy!

  • Thank you so much for sharing! I missed you from last TCMA event, heard great things about you:) Now I know why:) As I always believe: The true substance of a person is from the brokenness! Grateful for your courage. YOU are a true influencer!

  • Hi Mark, I am just so happy that you are now in a happy place doing what you really enjoy and sharing special times with your amazing wife. Ian

  • Mark, whether you look at the Philosophy of stoicism or the teachings of Christ two things are clear.

    You cannot know what or why those external influences crossed your path, but you can choose to handle them your way.

    You cannot know how what you have learned may help you in the future, but you can become more robust , calm and yes philosophical about the harder experiences you have had.

    It seems you are aware of these challenges and feel blessed by the outcome.

    Well- played , and I hope your tribulations, and eventual conciliation with them is an example to and helps others to endure and understand that they have not seen the outcome and it may prove better than they might dare
    hope.

  • Knowing pieces of this already, it takes guts to share it all with the world and you did it beautifully. We’ve all been to dark places in our lives, and you my friend, have shown us that we can all make it out. Much love to you and Rebecca!!

  • Jean-Christophe Gomez-Lavocat

    Hi Mark,

    Writing this, as all previous people already commented, was really brave, honest and the challenge was higher since you decided to talk in front of those who frequently read you.

    “Rockstars”, as we know them, all go through good and bad episodes. Amplitudes are much higher when you live life at full speed. To overcome those, you need a strong emotional “damping”, an emotional pedestal : your family, your friends, your values, your religion, … you name it.

    I loved the big bang metaphor. It’s a good way to see this event.

    Keep care,
    Sending some warm thoughts from France.

  • Hope to catch up at TCMA 2017!

  • Thank you my friend.

  • Thank you. That’s the way I look at it too. This was the path I was meant to be on.

  • Love you back Mandy. Thanks.

  • Merci.

  • Mark

    Thanks again for your authenticity and insights. Your blog posts and the discussions it continues with set the bar for all of us to achieve in using social media that is truly social and human.

    I read a lot of blogs on digital and social media marketing, but your blog is truly the only blog that helps me understand, think about the future, ask questions, and remember to be social.

    In your Facebook group you asked about what your next book should be about. I think it should continue with the title of this blog: Grow. Grow as a Human in Social Media, Business, and Life.

    Thanks again. I looked forward to your next book and presentation.

    Denny

  • jeanniecw

    Wow, Mark. I’ve only known you in your happiness. Yet this reminds us all how life is a journey. I appreciate your sentiment about how time doesn’t heal, just numbs. I know I can relate to that. Well done, you. I’m sure this was a challenge to hit publish, but we are grateful you did.

  • Thank you. I could say so much more. But thank you.

  • Lindsay Bell

    Mark, as you already know I think you are an incredible man. I tell the story often (truthfully, I sometimes wonder if you think I’m an obsessive stalker! LOL) of how you reached out to me—a complete stranger from Canada who had connected with you on Twitter—six or so years ago after one of my biggest life changes leaving a 20 year career in TV and “re-inventing” myself, moving into digital media. You spent an hour talking with me on the phone, while driving to an event you were speaking at, advising me on next steps, and encouraging me that I had done the right thing and made the right choice. You have no idea the impact that that relatively small act of kindness and “giving of yourself” had on me at the time, and still does. We’ve all been there when it comes to “the brink of sanity” and horrible life upheaval – the difference is that most people hide it and pretend they are perfect. Kudos to you, this was a brave and honest post, and one that hit very close to home (yes, I’ve “got the T-shirt as well!;) ). Keep doing what you do, you mean so much to so many people. <3

  • A great idea Denny, and thanks for this very kind comment. I’m humbled that my blog is essential reading for my friend the professor 🙂

  • A very big challenge. Sweated over hitting “publish” for 10 days. This is far out of my comfort zone.

  • Thanks for reading my blog Kim and caring enough to comment!

  • Wow a very powerful comment Lindsay. I remember our call well and am so happy we have remained connected. Thank you for saying this.

  • Lindsay Bell

    🙂

  • Mark, I am humbled to read about The Big Bang. I have been going through several Small Bangs since many years, but your story gives me immense hope. 🙂 Thanks for sharing what I think sounds like an epic novel. More power to you as your article just gave me courage to take the Big Leap. Good luck and god bless!

  • Thanks so much for connecting here Arpita.

  • Jenn Whinnem

    Been there, Mark. I’ve been there. It’s so hard. Glad you survived it.

  • Yup. Me three. I wouldn’t change a thing.

  • I am so happy to hear from you. Been too long.

  • Love you buddy.

  • Amazing and wonderful story. Thank you for taking action. Gratefully none of my kids have had addiction problems but I can imagine your grief and worry.

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